I have heard of the concept of "getting a heter" to do something that is not ordinarily permitted, but I don't have a good idea of what it means. I am interested in explanations of what this process entails, particularly when the question is big enough that one needs to get a heter "officially."
I would appreciate answers that address some or all of the following:
If someone needs a heter to do something (either something for which heterim are understood as readily available, like using birth control after having two children; shortening the niddah period in order to conceive; or going without hair covering [women] after divorce--or something personal and more unusual), how does one "officially" get a heter to do so?
--Is it simply a matter of getting the go-ahead from anyone with semikha--or must the approval be from the "official" rabbi of one's community? Or must it, moreover, be from an expert in that area of halacha? A rov? A member of a vaad or beis din?... Or, if I find the loophole myself, and see that it applies to me, can I then take advantage of my "heter"?
Also: when petitioning a rov, does one always have to present a catalogue of extenuating circumstances, or in some cases is even the desire for a heter enough to get one? (That is, if I have a son and daughter already, must I have a special reason in order to be eligible to use birth control? ...And if not--if everyone gets one--why bother going to the rov at all?)
Perhaps this question can be best summed up by my own situation, its motivation: I asked my community rabbi a shayla about a personal circumstance. He gave a stunningly lenient answer about what to do. Would it now be correct for me to say I have a "heter" to do such and such according to his advice?
Answer
It really depends on the question and severity of the issue at hand ie. Shaas hadchak, money considerations, mental health. But generally, big questions such as medical issues, end of life issues etc. should asked to a world expert on that particular topic. Like medical issues should be asked to a rav who is competent in those issues and has good medical advisors as well.
Famously in regards to allowing abortion, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach generally refused to answer questions put to him in certain circumstances but often he would send the questioner to get a Heter from The Tzitz Eliezer who was lenient in extremely specific cases (See Tzitz Eliezer 13:102). Despite the fact that the questioner came to Rav Shlomo Zalman nonetheless he would send them to get, if needed, a Heter from the Tzitz Eliezer - Rav Eliezer Waldenberg (Posek of Bikur Cholim Hospital in Jerusalem) who in his great knowledge in Torah and expertise in Medicine was willing to issue such a brave psak.
Of course when asking, all pertinent information should be presented to the Rav so as to make sure the psak is fitting with your life circumstances.
A responsible Jew should ask a Rav before deciding for themselves especially in regards to complex questions where more often than not personal bias plays a heavy role as well as a serious lack of knowledge of the source material.
As per your personal case I don't think this site is the forum for such guidance. Although, I will say if your Rav fits in the category as stated above (well versed in the sugya, takes issue seriously, has guidance in this realm) then I would not be overly concerned.
There are many capable Rabbonim who are generally reachable through specific channels such as Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Yisroel Belsky (Zt"l) , Rav Dovid Cohen, Rav Moshe Heinemann, and many more who are capable of dealing with such questions.
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